Once More, With Feeling
by greatunironic
Summary: [Sequel to 'The Distance Between Insanity] I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending that I didn't kill you. A birth, a wedding, an imaginary funeral, and a coming to terms.


Title: **Once More, With Feeling**

Author: Meridgreatunironic

Rated: PG-13

Disclaimer: I've got a donut in my hand and fifteen cents in my pocket. What do you think?

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Summary: "I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending that I didn't kill you." A birth, a wedding, an imaginary funeral, and a coming to terms.

Etc.: Once more into the Saga of Malcolm and T'Pol! _lieutenants-lady_ asked me for a sequel. I complied. (Just don't hate Julia!) This time around in the Saga of Malcolm and T'Pol, it's more Malcolm. T'Pol's mentioned, as are their children (yes, plural, they got more than one now), and she does make some appearances. What can I say, I'm a romantic. Also, it's got more Trip in it, which, really, most can't complain about. Lj-cut quote is John 14:1. This rapidly became very bizarre. I don't know how.

-

**1. Monday**

Malcolm doesn't remember it, being dead.

Julia tells him that's normal. She says it's okay to not remember; in fact, she's says it's _better_ not to. Malcolm knows that she's right, that it's better not to remember the feeling of death, better not to remember when it took his hand and led him into the dark.

Of course, Malcolm has a good imagination and he sits at home and thinks of what it must be to die, over and over and again and again. He imagines it would be something like a war within himself, a fight over who should stay and who should go, life or death. He imagines it would be a feeling of such emptiness and such completeness as the breath leaves his body and he is offered up to the dark.

Malcolm has a _very_ good imagination.

**2. From Space, Better**

They had a reunion, the other day. Everyone came. They were all with their families and they all reminisced about 'the good old days', about when they flew through space, about how they did it so much that it feels weird to them, having their feet back on solid ground. Malcolm found himself thinking, during the hamburgers, that he agreed, but on something different entirely.

It was weird, he had thought, this living thing.

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" asks Trip, moving his pawn.

"The other day," replies Malcolm, taking it. "When everyone was over."

"Yeah," says Trip, tongue stuck out in concentration. He moves another chess piece and Malcolm doesn't have the heart to tell him he'll lose in eight moves, let alone that he thinks about death all the time and how it's weird to be alive. "That was nice."

"I saw you brought Julia," states Malcolm. Trip looks up from the board.

"Yep," he says.

"You guys still dating, then?" says Malcolm.

Trip nods.

"Did she like meeting everyone?" Malcolm asks, moving his bishop.

"She already knew everyone," Trip says. "She met them in the hospital, when yew came home." Trip moves his rook. He looks out the window suddenly and smiles. Malcolm smiles too. They can hear Malcolm and T'Pol's kids playing out in the yard. Trip's talking again. "And she met everyone again when Reese was born."

Malcolm nods and they are silent, thinking. Malcolm thinks about his children, Morg and Reese. He wonders what Morg was like growing up and hopes he be there for little Reese, his daughter. Her real name was actually 'Clarisse' but, the moment Trip met her, he shortened it and it stuck with everyone, even her parents. Malcolm doesn't know what Trip is thinking about.

"Yew know what I've been thinkin' about lately?" asks Trip suddenly. Malcolm shakes his head. "How Jon said the thing about everything looks better from space." Malcolm motions for Trip to continue. "He's right. Remember when we came back and saw Earth again for the first time? How it looked from over the horizon?"

Malcolm smiles.

"Everything really looks better from space," Trip states.

And Malcolm agrees.

**3. A Game of Chess (or Two or Three)**

Trip's over again, this time with Julia. They come over a lot, since Trip moved up from San Francisco. He lives with Julia now, who's out on the porch with T'Pol. They're talking, watching the kids play in the front yard. Trip and Malcolm are playing chess in Malcolm's study again.

"What's wrong?" Malcolm asks.

"Yew just took mah queen," replies Trip. "I'm a little upset about that."

"Perfectly understandable." But that's not it. Trip is distant today and Malcolm feels that. He's become attuned to these things, the feelings of others. It might be because Malcolm fears his own. Malcolm asks Trip, "Did you and Julia have a falling out?"

He starts, jostling the bored. "No!"

"I'm just," starts Malcolm but Trip cuts him off.

"I've been thinkin' about askin' her to marry me."

After that admission, they both look shocked.

"Really?" asks Malcolm.

"Yeah." A dopey smile spreads on Trip's face and Malcolm smiles too, it's contagious. "I jus'—hadn't intended for it ta come out that way."

"That's okay," says Malcolm. He pauses and takes another one of Trip's pieces. Just like before, Malcolm can't find it in him to tell Trip his going to lose. But Trip's used to losing to Malcolm at chess; he always does. "When are you going to ask her?"

"Tonight, maybe," says Trip thoughtfully. He looks at Malcolm carefully. "How'd yew ask T'Pol?"

"I had Julia ask her, actually," Malcolm admits sheepishly. "But that's not the whole story. I was still in the hospital at the time and on quite a few painkillers."

"Yew were drugged to the gills," corrects Trip with a laugh. "I remember that! Yew were always hittin' on me. Don't know what yew were thinkin'." Trip paused and thought about something. "I think yew even proposed once."

"Yes, the meds were of a powerful variety and my system wasn't quite back to normal yet," says Malcolm. They both get quiet, thinking of why Malcolm had to be drugged in the first place. It had been either that or restraints. "Rest assured, Trip, that you were not the only one I hit on or proposed to," Malcolm said, trying to lighten the moment. "Julia was a frequent recipient of my drugged affections."

"Yew hit on mah woman?" asks Trip.

"At the time, mind you, she wasn't 'your woman', Trip," Malcolm says. "She was free game."

"Yew had a son," growls Trip in a fake fashion.

"I stand corrected, I suppose," admits Malcolm. They both laugh and Malcolm continues the story. "After I proposed to Julia for the fifth time, she suggested that I turn my misguided affection to the mother of my child. I, in my drugged state, of course thought this was a brilliant idea. I couldn't get out of the bed at the time, though, so I made Julia ask T'Pol. We were both quite surprised when she said yes."

Trip laughs and then asks, "So, yew think me and Julia getting' hitched is a good idea?"

"Just don't say you're 'getting hitched' around her," said Malcolm. They both laughed again.

**4. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger**

T'Pol's leaning against the door of the study, having just put the kids to bed. Malcolm rises from his seat behind his desk and walks over to her. They embrace and kiss.

"You've been quite busy lately," says T'Pol.

"Trip's asking Julia to marry him," Malcolm tells her. "I'm trying to help him. Pep talks, you understand."

She raises one eyebrow and Malcolm senses that he's being mocked.

"Yes, I had Julia ask you. Yes, I was on drugs," says Malcolm. "But Trip needs all the help he can get."

"Will Captain Mayweather be the only bachelor, then?" she asks. Malcolm nods. "We must find him a suitable wife."

"What?" sputters Malcolm. T'Pol raises the eyebrow again.

"We are responsible for the relationship of Trip and Julia, are we not?" she says.

"Yes, I suppose we are," admits Malcolm.

"Then should we not help Captain Mayweather along?"

"You're a hopeless romantic, you know that?" asks Malcolm rhetorically after a moment.

Her eyebrow mocks him again.

They go to bed.

He dreams about dying.

Again.

-

Someone's throwing rocks at the window and it wakes Malcolm up. T'Pol, somehow, manages to sleep through it. Malcolm glares at his wife. After Reese grew out of the midnight feedings, T'Pol slept like the dead. Malcolm belatedly realizes that was an unfortunate pun. He goes to the window.

"What are you, twelve?" calls Malcolm softly, seeing Julia there, standing in the rain. She has a Starfleet jacket wrapped about her shoulders.

"Can I come in?" she asks. Malcolm nods and closes the window, once he sees her head toward the front door. He walks out of the bedroom, kissing T'Pol on one pointed ear, gently, as he leaves. He walks down the hall, quickly checking in on the children and then goes down the stairs. He opens the door. Julia waits on the porch. He beckons her in and they go into his study.

She sits on his sofa, still wrapped in the jacket and still wet.

"What's wrong?" he asks. She shows him the ring. He smiles. "So you said yes."

She nods and looks pained.

"Are you upset about that?" Malcolm asks her. She shakes her head.

"No, it's just…." She trails off, looking down at her feet. Julia looks back up at him. "You're Trip's friend."

"You don't like me any more?" asks Malcolm jokingly. "If this is because I asked you to marry me all those times…."

"You know what I mean," she snaps. "You know how Trip, in the beginning, always went on about finding who took you. He still does that." Julia bites her lip and Malcolm puts his arm about her shoulders. She shakes him off and looks at him, her eyes dark. "I hate lying to him. I hate knowing that I could ease his pain, T'Pol's pain, just by telling them who hurt you: Me." She points to her chest.

"Julia, please," Malcolm starts. They've had this conversation before. They always say the same things.

"I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending that I didn't kill you."

But that is new.

Malcolm jumps a little. Julia does too, shocked at her own words.

"I did kill you," she whispers.

"I don't remember," he replies.

"I don't care," she tells him. "I killed you."

"And I forgave you," he says, fervently.

"This isn't something you forgive," she hisses.

"You may have killed me, Julia, but you also brought me back to life," Malcolm says. _And I forgave you for that too._

"I wouldn't have had to bring you back to life if I hadn't killed you in the first place," she growls.

They sit in silence for a while until Julia announces, "I should be getting back."

"I should go back to bed," concurs Malcolm. He walks her to the door.

"You'll be at the wedding, right?" she asks, shyly.

"Yes," Malcolm says. Trip had already asked him to be one of his groomsmen. He wanted Morg to be ring bearer and Reese to be flower girl, too. "For what it's worth," he adds. "I do forgive you." _For everything._

"It doesn't matter," Julia tells him as she leaves. "I can't forgive myself."

When he goes back to bed, Malcolm dreams about dying.

**5. A Wedding and a Funeral, If Only In His Mind**

All brides, thinks Malcolm, look beautiful. He remembers his and T'Pol's ceremony. She was so stunning that, when she came out, Malcolm had lost the ability to form words. Trip had elbowed him in the small of his back, muttering, "Close yer mouth, yer droolin' all over the place."

Today, Julia is going to be no exception.

Malcolm watches his son walk down the aisle and then Reese, tossing flowers around. She had been playing with her red dress earlier, folding herself up and down, swaying, spinning.

"Like a bell, Papa," she had confided.

"Like a bell," he had agreed with a serious nod.

Trip is nervously shifting back and forth. Admiral Archer, who's starting the ceremonies, rolls his eyes at Malcolm and Malcolm rolls his eyes back. They smile and laugh. Trip frowns at them, as if saying, "How dare yew make fun of me on this day!" Malcolm and Archer laugh harder and Trip's frown deepens. He glares at them now, but then the orchestra strikes up a cord and Julia starts to come out and Trip can't speak.

Malcolm hopes Trip remembers how he acts later today and remembers how Malcolm had acted. That should put things into perspective.

Julia walks up the aisle, her white gown dragging delicately behind her. Reese throws red rose petals at her and Julia smiles. She stops, hands her flower bouquet to one of her train, picks up Reese in one arm, lifts her train with the other, and walks to the alter, the muscles in her tan legs moving beneath the flesh. Reese is laughing, a tinkling sound, like one of her bells.

Malcolm takes Reese from Julia and places the girl on the ground beside him. The small child fists her hand into Malcolm's pants and leans her head against his leg. People in the crowd 'Ah'. He smiles at his daughter and looks up at the ceremony. Julia winks at him but there's something still disturbed in her eyes when she looks at him.

It's always been like that.

He wonders if almost killing someone will do that to you.

He wonders if that look shades his eyes.

He wonders if that look is death.

And, suddenly, his mind is filled with death again, like always. Though, sometimes, it is blank and there's just a dull ache there, where the death usually is.

He's in a funeral home and everyone is there. He wonders if it's a reunion. Trip and Julia are there, in a black tux and a black wedding gown. Archer and Travis and Hoshi and everyone are there, dressed all in black with black veils and black cotton gloves. He looks at himself. He's in white.

There's a casket, in the corner, big and looming, like a dark angel. No one is looking at it.

It's the elephant in the room.

It's death, in the corner.

So he walks towards it. Before he can get to it, the doors of the funeral home enter and there's a cold, cold breeze. T'Pol, dressed in black mourning, enters. She runs to the casket and pulls it open.

Malcolm stares at himself.

He's dead.

"Who did this?" she cries.

Malcolm looks out into the see of black. No one will look at him. His chest feels tight.

"Who?" T'Pol cries again.

Malcolm's breath quickens and darkness crowds his vision. Was this what dying was like?

Julia, behind her black veil, looks at him and she whispers, so that only Malcolm can hear her, "It was me."

She grins and T'Pol cries out again and again and there's an easing of the air around him, like a long sigh, and everything is black.

His vision clears and he's back in the wedding and there is no air in his lungs.

"I do," says Julia.

"With the power vested in my, I pronounce you husband and wife," announces Archer. He looks at Trip. "You may kiss the bride."

They do.

Malcolm feels like he's drowning.

**6. Mnemophobia**

Malcolm doesn't remember it, being dead.

He's beginning to realize he's very happy that way, not remembering.


End file.
